Take your pain and make it mine
by wolfypuppypiles
Summary: Alec is a shadowhunter, and sometimes he gets hurt, but this was too much, this wasn't right. And he wouldn't tell Magnus where they came from. Set after 2x20 WARNING: This fic contains self harm and suicidal tendency themes, it's not explicit but be careful if this will make you uncomfortable don't read it. Be safe.


Alec was a shadowhunter, and Magnus had grown used to the fact that he would sometimes come home a little banged up. Luckily, he also knew that his Alexander was one of the best shadowhunters in New York, and therefore won most of his battles, which meant his injuries were minor and didn't happen too often.

But then Alec started coming home with more than minor injuries. It started small, like a few scrapes and bruises, nothing he hadn't seen before. But it started to get worse as time went on.

Alec stumbled through the door, leaning heavily on the doorframe as he tried to crack a smile through the bruises across his cheek.

"Honey, I'm home." He laughed at his own joke despite the hiss of pain that came directly afterwards, and Magnus let out a gasp at the sight of him.

His face was covered in bruises and scratches, and had one of his arms was wrapped protectively around his chest. He sighed in relief as Magnus came to help him to the couch, easing him down onto the cushions as his voice came, strained with worry.

"What happened! Oh, what have you done to your poor handsome face."

Magnus swept a glowing hand over his boyfriend's cheek, where the heaviest black and blue stained like ink, to numb the area before lifting the Nephilim's shirt.

Alec groaned in pain as he leant back into the couch, allowing Magnus to carefully check him over, gentle fingers pressing against his ribs and sparking with magic when they moved or creaked.

"The hunt was a bit intense. There are still circle members out there, but they're all scattered now that Valentines dead. Most of them don't believe he's finally gone, so they don't give up easy. One of them got a few lucky shots in." He groaned again as Magnus pressed against a particularly sore spot, hand instinctively coming to catch his wrist.

"Okay, maybe a few of them did."

The warlock didn't look convinced, eyebrows furrowing over his cat's eyes as he put all of his concentration into healing the broken bones across his loves chest.

"No one gets a lucky shot in on you. You're too good, and besides, you always stay back to shoot long range. How could they have done this to you?"

Alec huffed out a laugh, releasing Magnus' wrist to dig his fingers into the couch instead, as his chest burned.

"Thanks for having so much faith in me, but even I make mistakes. Guess I got distracted." His last words didn't match the jovial tone he'd had just before, they were quieter, as if asking himself a question.

Magnus didn't like the vagueness of them but didn't press on it. He needed to heal him first; they could talk later.

"You need to be more careful."

He sounded mad, and Alec gently took one of his hands, forcing his magic to shut off as the warlock sighed. Alec dipped his head to try and catch the other man's eyes.

"Magnus? Babe, what's wrong?"

The immortal blinked hard, trying not to cry as he frowned, squeezing Alec's hand. "I hate it when you get hurt. I don't want to lose you, Alexander."

Alec let go of his boyfriend's hand to pull him in for a hug instead, the warlock sitting across his lap and leaning against his mostly healed chest. Alec couldn't care less about the pain, and simply wrapped his arms around the man he loved, pressing his lips to his forehead.

"You aren't going to lose me, Magnus. I'm sorry for worrying you, it's not what I wanted. I'll be okay, I have you, don't I? The most powerful, handsome, smart, wonderful warlock in all of New York."

Magnus laughed a little and lifted his head to rub his nose against Alec's as they both smiled.

"You always know just what to say. I love you Alexander."

"I love you too, now come on, let's go to bed. I want some proper cuddles."

That was the end of that, the end of the worry, until two days later, when Alec came home with a broken arm. The next night it was a concussion, and Izzy had called to say Alec would be spending the night in the institute infirmary for observation.

It was when he came home coughing up blood, that Magnus lost it.

"You have to stop doing this to me! I can't take it anymore, I can't see you hurting! I know you're lying to me about how this is really happening, and I won't let you go back until you tell me what it is. Are you trying to get yourself killed, is that it?"

Alec hadn't been able to look at him, pressing his lips together as Magnus healed his punctured lung.

He couldn't take the silence, couldn't stand the secrets. His eyes filled with tears as he gently turned Alec's face to his, to see the Nephilim's own tears had already fallen.

"Please, tell me what's happening with you. Let me help."

His voice came strained and pleading, as if he didn't want to say the words but had to.

"I can't."

Magnus had refused to let him go back to the institute. He couldn't have him coming home so broken every time, and he definitely couldn't have Alec lying to him.

But Alec wouldn't relent, even as Magnus' anger and hurt made his heart heavier with each minute. He agreed to stay home, but wouldn't talk about what had happened all those times and it worried Magnus to no end but at least if Alec was home, he couldn't get hurt.

And then, Magnus woke to an empty bed covered in blood.

It was everywhere, streaked across the silk sheets like gashes in the fabric, as if the bed itself were bleeding. Magnus couldn't breathe, panic welling up in his throat as he searched for Alec. There was a trail of blood leading from their bedroom, to the bathroom, and the warlock frantically sprinted over, screaming his loves name.

"Alexander!" His first thought was that they'd been attacked, and he threw up his wards as he ran, igniting his palms in flames as he stepped through the bathroom door, but there was no threat, just Alec laying on the floor and desperately trying to stop the bleeding.

He pressed towels to the long, gashed wounds across his stomach, but they were already soaked through. He was crying in pain, tears trailing down his cheeks to leave tracks in the red smeared across his jaw.

There was blood everywhere, smeared across the tiles where Alec's feet had slipped, splattered, and dripped and pooling beneath his vulnerable body where he lay. There was too much.

Magnus froze in the doorway, shocked by the sight, breath heaving from his open mouth as Alec pleaded to someone on the phone that lay on the floor.

"Please, Izzy he's in trouble, I can feel it! You have to find him, find Jace!"

The girl agreed, saying she'd call him back before she hung up, and Alec's eyes lifted to Magnus' shocked face, face crumpling as he began to sob.

"Magnus."

One soaking, shaking hand, reached towards him, and the immortal quickly came over, kneeling beside him, and pressing more towels against the mess that was Alec's ruined chest.

"What happened!"

The Nephilim cried out in pain at the pressure on his wounds, but Magnus needed to know. He needed to be able to help. He stroked a hand over Alec's cheek, thumb rubbing over his skin in comfort, and the shadowhunter leaned into it before shaking his head.

His words came as a whimper. "I can't tell you, you'll make me stop."

Magnus pressed harder on the towels, feeling blood pool around his fingers. He was bleeding out so fast. He tried again, pleading with his boyfriend to just tell him what was going on. But Alec shook his head and refused, even as his eyes began to droop.

"You'll make me stop, but I can't, I have to do this. I have to protect him."

Magnus growled in frustration, tearing his eyes away from the bloody mess to look into his loves eyes, only to see them roll back into his head.

"No, no Alexander! Stay awake, come on baby, please don't do this. Stay awake!"

But it was too late, his eyes were closed and his breathing was too slow and erratic. Magnus was losing him.

Tears blurred his eyes, and he cursed them as he summoned every spark of magic he possessed. He would not sit there and watch the love of his life fade away.

He almost didn't manage it. Alec was so far gone, so weak, that it was less healing and more tearing him away from the gaping maw of death and giving his body enough strength to hang on. But slowly the bleeding stopped, and the wounds began to heal.

It took too long for Alec to wake up, but Magnus was waiting there once he did, holding his hand and pressing it to his mouth, as his bright eyes opened to the ones he loved most.

But they were full of tears and he asked the same desperate questions he had before.

"Baby please, tell me what's going on with you, who did this?"

Alec curled his fingers around Magnus', his chest heaving as sobs tore from his throat. He had hated the way his secrets had started to push them apart, but it had been important.

"I'm sorry, I just couldn't bear to lose him again. I had to do something to make sure it didn't happen."

Magnus brushed those tears away. "Who?"

"Jace. When he died, and I felt it, it was agony. I could feel him slipping away, and half of me was gone. I can't do it again, I can't go through that. So…I found a warlock that could manipulate our bond, so that I could take Jace's injuries and pain. That way I wouldn't have to lose him again. He would be safe."

Magnus' heart broke. He remembered the way Alec had screamed when he felt Jace die; it had been so awful but this wasn't right.

"Oh, Alexander."

The Nephilim tugged on Magnus' hand, eyes pleading as he cried.

"I'm sorry, I didn't want to do this to you but I couldn't do nothing. Please don't take the spell away, I can protect him, I have to, he's my little brother."

Magnus couldn't stop the tears that fell from his own eyes, and he brushed a hand through Alec's hair in the way that often calmed them both.

"You can't take on that sort of burden from him, you're important too. Do you think he'd want you hurting like this? Let me take it, please darling, we'll protect Jace together, all of us will, just let me take the spell away."

Alec didn't want to, but those eyes, those beautiful eyes held entire worlds, and in each of them he was loved, and he couldn't say no. He sniffed, nodding reluctantly, and Magnus leant down to kiss his forehead before weaving his fingers above the Nephilim's Parabatai rune.

The spell was pulled from him, light and smoke curling up and drifting away like a blown-out candle, and once more Alec could feel his pain being shared through the bond. Jace would know, now.

Alec watched the spell's smoke dissipate, voice small and hopeful. "Is Jace safe?"

Magnus nodded. "Yes, he was out battling demons on his own when Izzy found him. You need to talk to him about how you're feeling, and about how reckless he's been since the lake. You need to ask him what really happened when he died, and how he's still alive. This isn't healthy for either of you."

Alec knew he was right, and he did need to talk to Jace about the amount of risks he'd been taking. He'd always been too happy to jump into hunts, and didn't have enough self-preservation in him to fill a thimble, but this was more than that, this was deeper.

It was hard, when he came, to look him in the eye and tell him what he'd done. Jace's voice was hollow.

"I can't believe you'd do this to yourself."

Alec reached for his hand, wincing as his chest burned with the movement. Magnus had healed most of him, but hadn't been able to close the wounds completely, and he'd tightly bandaged them instead. He pleaded with his brother, trying to make him understand.

"I can't lose you again, Jace. I can't-"

The blonde had jumped up from his seat on the edge of the bed, body coursing with restless energy, and Alec closed his eyes against the pain in Jace's voice as he replied.

"And you think I can? You think I could survive losing you, Alec? I can't! I…I shouldn't even be here."

His last words were thrown from his mouth with such contempt that they would have stung, had the 'here' meant with Alec. But was worse than that, 'here' meant alive.

Alec tried to sit up, tried to reach for Jace, but it pulled at his wounds and he let out a hiss of pain, making the blonde come quickly to his side, to push him back down into the bed. Alec took his hand even as Jace avoided his gaze.

"What are you talking about? Why were you out hunting demons by yourself? And why do you keep getting hurt? You're the best fighter we have, no one should be able to get near you."

Jace sighed, his entire being, his very soul, feeling heavy within him. What a weight it was to be alive.

"Valentine did. When he stabbed me. It was through the heart."

Alec frowned. "You died. But you're here."

Jace nodded. He didn't want to say the words aloud, didn't want to know what Alec would say if he knew. But Alec had almost died in his place, he owed him an explanation at least.

"When Valentine stabbed me, I died. I could feel you…and I was scared, and it hurt but…I felt you there, like you were with me. And Clary watched me die."

Alec waited, and Jace closed his eyes as he confessed. "She asked the angel to bring me back. She used the favour. I…I came back."

The Lightwood didn't know what to say. Jace's face was pinched in agony as he continued, words bitten out between clenched teeth, sounding strangled as his eyes filled with tears.

"And ever since I came back I've felt…wrong. With everything we hunt, everything we've been taught, I know that dead thing's should stay dead. I don't belong here. And even if it was okay to bring people back, why should it be me? So many people died, so many innocent people. The angels favour shouldn't be used on something like me."

Alec watched as tears carved their way down Jace's cheeks, his eyes full of so much pain as he stared out in front of him. He finally understood.

"You were trying to fix it, to go back."

Jace nodded, mouth twisting into a shaking apology. "I'm so sorry, Alec. I didn't know that you were…I thought it was a curse or something; that no matter what I did, I couldn't be killed. I didn't know I had been hit or stabbed because I couldn't feel it, because I didn't bleed. And then I felt you dying, and that pain…I'm sorry you had to feel me die. I- I keep hurting you."

And then he let it all out. Every bad feeling and fear he'd held inside, they spilled out in sobs and apologies, and Alec took them all and swept them away as he wrapped his arms around his brother and let him cry.

He held him close, hating every ounce of pain that this cruel universe had caused Jace. The pain in his chest meant nothing as he held him, hands rubbing over his back as he whispered words into his hair.

"It's okay, it's all okay now, it wasn't your fault. Just promise me you won't try again, promise me you'll be safe. You know what it feels like now, that pain when one of us dies. Don't make me feel that again. You might not think you deserved to come back, but you didn't deserve to die in the first place. And we need you. Don't leave me, Jace."

And just like that, his chest was full of light. The dread and pain was gone, replaced with everything he'd needed to hear. Jace may be in love with Clary, but no one knew his soul like his brother.

"I promise."


End file.
